There was some sort of choir trip thing. and there was a guy that I was flirting mercilessly with, even though I was engaged in the dream. He was some generic white guy, although I think he might be someone I actually know. Anyway, there was some sort of situation where there was this rabbit hole type thing, and no one would go in, and I convinced this guy to go in with me because we needed to.
So down in the hole Kelly was there, and my high school choir teacher. And she started freaking out about how in her childhood she didn't want to eat these candies that tasted like black tea and honey but was forced to. She was singing about them. And she alluded to the fact that she was from this world, which was not Earth, and it was really difficult to reconcile her childhood growing up in this fantasy land type place. But Kelly was definitely there and watching her. And I was with hot dude.
So my choir teacher takes out this knife/ book thing and doesn't stab herself, but I guess she killed herself somehow anyway. And then up on top of the stairs or balcony thing she appears in these robes, and was the new High Queen. And we went up there, and we're trying to figure out what to do, and I don't know why but there ended up being some kind of fight to the death between me and 3 girls, but everyone was just throwing knives back and forth really badly, and weren't even getting close to hitting anyway. And I got really tired of ducking back and forth and just told everyone that whatever was happening was stupid and pointless and we needed to leave.
So we went back to the place we were before, and there was a bunch of people from Moorpark Choir there. My ex, and Grant, and there was something that happened with Aimee, a friend of mine who just passed away. But while I'm running back to where everyone is, I fall into the pool. And I get out really unphased by the matter, and people start praising me because I saved everyone by doing something in the other world but I have no idea what. I feel like I made it self-destruct... But my ex was there and I was purposely trying to avoid him, while flirting with hot guy, but also trying to keep boundaries because I was engaged. So a bunch of people got in the pool, and I kept trying to get the guy to come in with me, and finally he was going to, but then everyone got out all at once to go do something, and he was like "Oh nevermind". And I was really frustrated. At this point the guy was definitely just Steve Doman.
Part 2 that I remember was really horrifying. I was taking a shower in Max's apartment, and he had 3 different showers. And all of the sudden there were these red lobster type things all over the floor of the bathtub and on my feet, and in the dream I knew that they were like feet fungus or something. But they freaked me out so much, and I kept calling Max to help me and he seemed really annoyed to have to come in, and then wouldn't do anything. I threw a washcloth on them and they ate it. So I was sitting on the edge of the tub with my feet lifted because I didn't want to step on any of them. And later on in some other dream I was telling my mom about them and if she had seen them, and I looked them up on google and found out they were just a pest infestation.
Part 3 I'm talking to Richard about my different fandoms. Very realistic. I'm just in my living room telling him how I loved The Wizard of Oz, and the Scarecrow, and then Harry Potter, and I married Daniel Radcliffe one day in my room when I was 8, and then Lord of the Rings, and told him that I saw the 2004 Phantom movie, but really fell in love with the story and the other movie versions and the Broadway show more so than the Gerard movie, that that was just a stepping stone.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Marriage dreams
That recurring dream of missing something has been happening about the wedding now. It's only happened twice though so far, which is nice. The first one I had involved Max and I being at the wedding reception, but it was over and we had missed everything and hadn't even gotten legally married. So we both just went home to our parent's houses.
The second one was pretty similar with the fact that nothing worked out with the reception, like there was no music playing the whole time or anything, but we did get married. However, I just went home to my mom's house afterwards, and my mom came back and asked why I wasn't with Max, and I just said that I didn't know.
From 7-7-13 The dreams I have most often
My dreams have become increasingly disturbing to me. Because they have been continuous for years. I don't put a lot of stock into dream meanings, but when you've had the same kinds of dreams for essentially your whole life, you start to wonder about your subconscious.
The first kind involves missing something important. Either by oversleeping, or just forgetting about it entirely until the next day, or until it's too late to do anything about it. And then I'm just really upset at myself and try everything to get where I'm supposed to go and I can't no matter what. A lot of times I miss Halloween for some reason. Other times I've missed a vacation that was planned, or my birthday. I have a feeling I'm going to start having dreams about missing my own wedding.
The second kind is a lot more disturbing. It involves some global tragedy happening where the fate of the world is at stake. Like aliens invading, or a giant monster, or any other number of terrifying things. And instead of being awesome and helping the world, I essentially just hide and pray continually that I will live, bargaining with God for my life.
I'm sure the first one has to do with my intense fear of disappointment. Of being excited for anything on a small or large scale and then having it not work out. I'm a control freak. Things out of my control that involve my own life make me incredibly anxious and nervous. I fixate on them.
The second I can only guess has to do with the fact that although I have a very large amount of faith in the church and the Plan of Salvation, I don't want to die. I'm really afraid of death. Because life is supposed to be a test, that determines eternity. And so far I've failed in a myriad of ways. And the idea that I could die at any given time, fully in my sins with no chance of truly repenting, is just something that I can't think about without losing my mind. And now that I have Max, all I want is to be with him for all eternity. And I want to work towards that goal so badly, and we are trying, but there's a lot that I've done seriously wrong.
I guess my subconscious is just giving me a friendly reminder of everything wrong with me.
And on that note, maybe that's why I put so much stock into making things perfect. Into meticulously fixing old college work that everyone else has thrown away, into making my journals beautiful by fixing any mistake with white-out. Maybe it's because it's something I can control. Maybe because I pretend that I'll live forever and have these fond memories to look back on at any given moment. Fond memories of something I did that was perfect. Unlike the rest of my life.
But the saddest part is, even when I put hours of my time into fixing these things, they're never good enough for me.
The first kind involves missing something important. Either by oversleeping, or just forgetting about it entirely until the next day, or until it's too late to do anything about it. And then I'm just really upset at myself and try everything to get where I'm supposed to go and I can't no matter what. A lot of times I miss Halloween for some reason. Other times I've missed a vacation that was planned, or my birthday. I have a feeling I'm going to start having dreams about missing my own wedding.
The second kind is a lot more disturbing. It involves some global tragedy happening where the fate of the world is at stake. Like aliens invading, or a giant monster, or any other number of terrifying things. And instead of being awesome and helping the world, I essentially just hide and pray continually that I will live, bargaining with God for my life.
I'm sure the first one has to do with my intense fear of disappointment. Of being excited for anything on a small or large scale and then having it not work out. I'm a control freak. Things out of my control that involve my own life make me incredibly anxious and nervous. I fixate on them.
The second I can only guess has to do with the fact that although I have a very large amount of faith in the church and the Plan of Salvation, I don't want to die. I'm really afraid of death. Because life is supposed to be a test, that determines eternity. And so far I've failed in a myriad of ways. And the idea that I could die at any given time, fully in my sins with no chance of truly repenting, is just something that I can't think about without losing my mind. And now that I have Max, all I want is to be with him for all eternity. And I want to work towards that goal so badly, and we are trying, but there's a lot that I've done seriously wrong.
I guess my subconscious is just giving me a friendly reminder of everything wrong with me.
And on that note, maybe that's why I put so much stock into making things perfect. Into meticulously fixing old college work that everyone else has thrown away, into making my journals beautiful by fixing any mistake with white-out. Maybe it's because it's something I can control. Maybe because I pretend that I'll live forever and have these fond memories to look back on at any given moment. Fond memories of something I did that was perfect. Unlike the rest of my life.
But the saddest part is, even when I put hours of my time into fixing these things, they're never good enough for me.
9-11-13
I'm in San Francisco playing the cello in a gift shop, but I'm trying to play it with a wet cloth because I forgot about the bow. And even when I remember I still can't play it because I'm trying to hold it like a violin.
Then Arya shows up and tells me that we have to catch our plane.
And then Kelly is there and starts practicing for her junior recital in this white dress with earthy flower type detail on the sleeves and bottom, but she's also wearing cat ears and circles on her cheeks that are different colors to look like blush? In the dream I assumed it was for a character's costume.
I ask Arya if we can stay and watch and she says that the plane leaves in five minutes so, no. So I start trying to figure out if it's worth it to get another plane ticket home later, and then I start trying to figure out how I even got to San Francisco, and decide that it's probably best to leave when he says to. So I say goodbye to Kelly and then we leave, and I start thinking about how weird it is that Kelly is having her junior recital in July.
It's not July.
Next I'm in some kind of shipwreck on an island, and there's a fire all around the boat pieces. And I ask if anyone has called the fire department and a girl says no, and then calls... And I mention something about how if the water is on fire there's probably oil that could explode, but no one is worried. So I start to walk away and shine my flashlight at the rock over to the right, but it's really a giant angry carrot, and it starts walking over and yelling at me and I tell it I just want help. And he says if I want help I have to ask the ants. So I ask the ants for help, and then swarms of them come down from the rocks behind me and crawl all over everything including my face, and I ask the ant king to move his ants from off my face because they tickle.
Then Arya shows up and tells me that we have to catch our plane.
And then Kelly is there and starts practicing for her junior recital in this white dress with earthy flower type detail on the sleeves and bottom, but she's also wearing cat ears and circles on her cheeks that are different colors to look like blush? In the dream I assumed it was for a character's costume.
I ask Arya if we can stay and watch and she says that the plane leaves in five minutes so, no. So I start trying to figure out if it's worth it to get another plane ticket home later, and then I start trying to figure out how I even got to San Francisco, and decide that it's probably best to leave when he says to. So I say goodbye to Kelly and then we leave, and I start thinking about how weird it is that Kelly is having her junior recital in July.
It's not July.
Next I'm in some kind of shipwreck on an island, and there's a fire all around the boat pieces. And I ask if anyone has called the fire department and a girl says no, and then calls... And I mention something about how if the water is on fire there's probably oil that could explode, but no one is worried. So I start to walk away and shine my flashlight at the rock over to the right, but it's really a giant angry carrot, and it starts walking over and yelling at me and I tell it I just want help. And he says if I want help I have to ask the ants. So I ask the ants for help, and then swarms of them come down from the rocks behind me and crawl all over everything including my face, and I ask the ant king to move his ants from off my face because they tickle.
From 6-28-13
I tend to have dreams about being romantically involved with fictional characters, or celebrities/ friends/ ex-boyfriends who are disguised as fictional characters , but Max is usually either around or I'm still engaged to him (or at least with him) in the back of my mind, and that's nice. Like last week I had a dream that NPH proposed to me and I turned him down because I loved Max. And this was after Nikelson who was a giant slug monster also tried to propose to me, but I'd like to pretend that that didn't happen.
I love my dreams. I stay asleep so long because of them. Actually, in my dream last night, Sherlock Holmes and I were explaining dreams to another girl, in which he used this projector to simulate how much more real things became in various levels of dreaming. And I told the girl that I liked to sleep in late because once you wake up and then go back to sleep, you have more dreams that you can remember. Even in my dreams I'm lazy and sleep way too long.
And then I teased Sherlock for forgetting to pack a blanket, but he wasn't really Sherlock Holmes at that point, he was Sherlock as one of my exes, and then we went in a time machine that he built back to the Classical Era somewhere in Europe, but then Sherlock wasn't even around anymore and I was just with 2 other women that I don't know at all. I knew who they were there though...
Something about people who posed as mannequins, something about experiencing the Classical Era in a huge courtyard in front of a mansion which I guess was City Hall or something where a man who was literally Mr. Burns from the Simpsons was saying something and knew who we were and we had to hide/ run away from him. And then it was only me and one other girl, and we were sword fighting through crowds of people and soldiers to get back to our time machine area, and on the way Nick was there and we waved at each other... And I had a conversation with the girl about "Max and I swordfight all the time, so this is easy. And I'm sure you and Sherlock do too." Psh girl stole Sherlock somehow.
And then we got there but had no more time machine crystals, but this random man gave us some and we got back just in time to escape the people chasing us. And then something happened and we went back to the courtyard this time with Sherlock I think, and I asked something about the blonde girl with the pointy nose (who was a mannequin earlier on) and Sherlock said something about "Well she's my niece" so I actually think that the girl who I thought stole Sherlock was really his niece?
And then once we got to the courtyard, the evil Mr. Burns guy passed a law about something that everyone booed (which I can only assume is linked to the modern events of gay marriage/ abortion bills being heavily debated) and then all these people got up, who were all dressed in various flotation devices and swimsuits, and started chanting something about how they opposed was had just happened, got into this giant river that wound throughout the city, and just swam around the river dressed up as seahorses and unicorns. One girl had a motorized propeller under her dragon tail? I zoomed in on it in the dream, so it must have been important.
Somehow I got home, and everyone was just in bed sleeping naked. I have no idea who they were though. I just go home and everyone's sleeping naked? There was one guy that I was all happy about seeing, but I don't know who he was. Was he Max? I think he was white. I don't think he was anyone. I think he was some generic white man.
I think there was another dream, but I can't remember if it was connected to this one. It was something about my old high school friend Lucas giving away these new music devices which were just called "P". And he asked if I wanted one for free because we were either in a band together, or had designed them, but I said they were stupid looking (so I hope I didn't design them) so I didn't want one.
And then everyone threw a huge party in my bedroom, and Lucas ended up giving the last one to this Genevieve (who was his in real life his girlfriend in high school for years), and I was really jealous. Because suddenly I wanted a "P". And then this other jerk Chris Conway was like "Well yeah, she's prettier than you." And I ran back in the room and demanded a "P" but instead everyone was packing everything up and then Sherlock Holmes was there building a time machine?
I think that's what happened. But somewhere along the lines Alex was there, or maybe I just found a picture of Alex? I don't know. All I know is that when Sherlock was there he was RDJ Sherlock and he was hot. Except when we first built the time machine and got in it, he was Benedict Cumberbatch. Actually he might have been a mix the whole time.
I love my dreams. I stay asleep so long because of them. Actually, in my dream last night, Sherlock Holmes and I were explaining dreams to another girl, in which he used this projector to simulate how much more real things became in various levels of dreaming. And I told the girl that I liked to sleep in late because once you wake up and then go back to sleep, you have more dreams that you can remember. Even in my dreams I'm lazy and sleep way too long.
And then I teased Sherlock for forgetting to pack a blanket, but he wasn't really Sherlock Holmes at that point, he was Sherlock as one of my exes, and then we went in a time machine that he built back to the Classical Era somewhere in Europe, but then Sherlock wasn't even around anymore and I was just with 2 other women that I don't know at all. I knew who they were there though...
Something about people who posed as mannequins, something about experiencing the Classical Era in a huge courtyard in front of a mansion which I guess was City Hall or something where a man who was literally Mr. Burns from the Simpsons was saying something and knew who we were and we had to hide/ run away from him. And then it was only me and one other girl, and we were sword fighting through crowds of people and soldiers to get back to our time machine area, and on the way Nick was there and we waved at each other... And I had a conversation with the girl about "Max and I swordfight all the time, so this is easy. And I'm sure you and Sherlock do too." Psh girl stole Sherlock somehow.
And then we got there but had no more time machine crystals, but this random man gave us some and we got back just in time to escape the people chasing us. And then something happened and we went back to the courtyard this time with Sherlock I think, and I asked something about the blonde girl with the pointy nose (who was a mannequin earlier on) and Sherlock said something about "Well she's my niece" so I actually think that the girl who I thought stole Sherlock was really his niece?
And then once we got to the courtyard, the evil Mr. Burns guy passed a law about something that everyone booed (which I can only assume is linked to the modern events of gay marriage/ abortion bills being heavily debated) and then all these people got up, who were all dressed in various flotation devices and swimsuits, and started chanting something about how they opposed was had just happened, got into this giant river that wound throughout the city, and just swam around the river dressed up as seahorses and unicorns. One girl had a motorized propeller under her dragon tail? I zoomed in on it in the dream, so it must have been important.
Somehow I got home, and everyone was just in bed sleeping naked. I have no idea who they were though. I just go home and everyone's sleeping naked? There was one guy that I was all happy about seeing, but I don't know who he was. Was he Max? I think he was white. I don't think he was anyone. I think he was some generic white man.
I think there was another dream, but I can't remember if it was connected to this one. It was something about my old high school friend Lucas giving away these new music devices which were just called "P". And he asked if I wanted one for free because we were either in a band together, or had designed them, but I said they were stupid looking (so I hope I didn't design them) so I didn't want one.
And then everyone threw a huge party in my bedroom, and Lucas ended up giving the last one to this Genevieve (who was his in real life his girlfriend in high school for years), and I was really jealous. Because suddenly I wanted a "P". And then this other jerk Chris Conway was like "Well yeah, she's prettier than you." And I ran back in the room and demanded a "P" but instead everyone was packing everything up and then Sherlock Holmes was there building a time machine?
I think that's what happened. But somewhere along the lines Alex was there, or maybe I just found a picture of Alex? I don't know. All I know is that when Sherlock was there he was RDJ Sherlock and he was hot. Except when we first built the time machine and got in it, he was Benedict Cumberbatch. Actually he might have been a mix the whole time.
9-10-13
There's some kind of apocalypse or something, I don't know if they're zombies or something else, but there's something in particular that I'm really terrified of that just won't die. And I think it's my mom, and she says that I have to keep smashing it's face in violently. And finally I seem satisfied that it's dead. It's just a mash of pulp type stuff by now.
And then Nick is there at some point and I'm talking to him about how this is the end of the world if the dead are rising from their graves, and he gives me his jacket. And in the meantime the pulpy thing that I smashed has become a humanoid type thing again, but with a deformed face because I beat it in. And it's some woman, and she has short red hair and then I just feel so bad for destroying her face because I realize she isn't evil, and I give her a hug.
And then she starts talking to me about how important it is to save yourself for marriage, and then says "Unless you've already experienced that." And I just throw my hands up and walk away.
At some point before this I think I was on some kind of failed church camp thing, I remember being in a part of a log cabin with Leah. By part I mean, one wall was open.
And then Nick is there at some point and I'm talking to him about how this is the end of the world if the dead are rising from their graves, and he gives me his jacket. And in the meantime the pulpy thing that I smashed has become a humanoid type thing again, but with a deformed face because I beat it in. And it's some woman, and she has short red hair and then I just feel so bad for destroying her face because I realize she isn't evil, and I give her a hug.
And then she starts talking to me about how important it is to save yourself for marriage, and then says "Unless you've already experienced that." And I just throw my hands up and walk away.
At some point before this I think I was on some kind of failed church camp thing, I remember being in a part of a log cabin with Leah. By part I mean, one wall was open.
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